This Message is for the One Who Loves the Man
If you have lost your man to prostate cancer; are standing by your man on his journey; afraid to support your man; learning to love your man in a new way, this is for you.
Here are two stories. They’re both mine. They are about powerlessness and sorrow, surrender and trust, and finally about love and forgiveness. Love and forgiveness are as much about you as for the man you love. It’s a tough path. Heart wrenching. I know.
Ultimately, it’s about the quality of life you and your man have right now. Because… now is all you’ve got.
George
When I needed to gently touch the knot of grief in my heart, quietly with no one watching, I would sit in the corner of our bedroom on the floor. Glass of wine. Christina Aguilera’s Hurt blasting in my ears. Tears running down my face. My chest heaving with unleashed sorrow.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
In 2007 my husband George died of prostate cancer, leaving our two sons 17 and 20 bereft.
He was 68. I am past that now myself, and I assure you I consider that ‘way too young to go.
I’ll try to step lightly here although it’s a heavy topic and, by gosh, the memories are as heavy as dark matter if I let them flood in.
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
The morning George died I climbed into the hospital bed and tucked myself into his back, reaching my arm around his still body. It was the first time in months that I had been able to hold him without causing him pain.
Our sons came right away and later in the morning George’s two older daughters arrived. We sat on the end of the bed, ate oranges and talked about happy times. Our relief that he was no longer suffering and our love. And his giant love that bound our two families together.
Fast Forward:
It was nearly seven years later – into a new life, new love – that I realized one morning that I had been insane with grief. I strode on through life like a good little Stoic and only once in a while let the hurt rise up and spill out in tears like a child.
Some days I feel broke inside, but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide ’cause it’s you I miss
My book Exhilarated Life shared that 7 year path from the first Christmas after George’s death to landing on an island in Greece with Athan. It was the time of my Reiki Mastery and my questing for the spiritual answers to Life’s toughest questions.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Somewhere in the innocence of my child-like trust, I thought if I prayed enough George would be spared. He was a good man in every sense of that word. He didn’t deserve to suffer. To die. At least, not so soon.
The company I had formed, Artemis Alliance Inc. was devoted to integrative medicine – not this or that, but this and that. I envisioned George as my poster boy for a truly holistic approach, but that was not what happened.
Beyond the physical – which is awful – prostate cancer attacks a man on so many other levels. The very thing that makes him masculine – testosterone – is killing him. The archaic methods – many unchanged in over 40 years – amount to chemical or surgical castration. Prostate cancer is emasculating in every sense of the word.
The night before George died, I was speaking to the doctor who agreed to move him to palliative care and keep him on a morphine drip and continue dialysis for the sake of his children. She said he would be out of pain but we would no longer be able to communicate with him in a meaningful way.
I looked over her shoulder and saw George rocking back and forth on the edge of the bed, “ouch ouch ouch” and realized that I had already had my last conversation with my beloved husband and I hadn’t even known it.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Could it have been different?
Likely, in a thousand different ways. Would it have avoided the ultimate outcome? Who knows? Men have really harsh choices to make when they get a prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment recommendations.
The thing is, like every disease, cancer is a confluence of infinite micro and macro influences; stress, toxins, age, general health, diet, trauma, the environment, the inner dialogue, the person’s world view and how they see themselves in it.
Every individual is different and must make the choices for themselves. Trusting the methods and treatments is also in the mix of healing or treating disease.
I would learn more about all that with Athan.
As I mentioned about my book, my new life began. Athan and I had heard about the European Union Health Claim for olive oil rich in health promoting polyphenols.
Foreshadowing: Where Life Prepares us for LIFE
If you don’t mind me saying, this is where spirit comes in. Adversity guides us as truly as a GPS to find our purpose in life and to develop that in service to others. Please bear with me as I explain just how this played out in what you might consider a rather ironic way.
Saying it’s ironic is not to make light of prostate cancer in any way, but to underline my deepest sincerity in what I am about to tell you.
In 2012, the date of the health claim, back in Canada, Athan discovered the work of Dr. Prokopios Magiatis at the University of Athens, who had discovered the method to accurately measure the phenolic compounds in olive oil in support of this claim.
Athan had begun correspondence with the professor and told me that Magiatis was announcing his findings on the health benefits of phenolic compounds in olive oil. Something as clear as a bell – seriously – told me that he had to go to Greece to hear that presentation and interview the professor.
For Athan it was a reminder of his childhood experience, raised by his grandparents in Greece, where the early harvest olive oil was kept in the cold cellar and used only for medicinal purposes. He hated it because it was bitter when his grandmother rubbed it on his gums when teething or made him drink it like his grandfather did before going into the fields for the day.
Canada Greece Connection
Athan began writing for Olive Oil Times about this research and this fascination ultimately took us to Greece. We began working with Magiatis and formed a company, Aristoleo, to test and educate about this olive oil which resulted in being involved in a 3-year, 5-country study on best practices to produce and market this “medicinal” food as described by Hippocrates 2500 years ago.
What does this have to do with Prostate Cancer? Plenty – wait for it…
Over the next years, Athan and I created the Aristoleo trademark (meaning excellent oil) under our Canadian Corporation, Artemis, and travelled between Canada, Greece and Cyprus to share the knowledge with producers as well as health conscious individuals looking for trustworthy sources of natural food supplements.
The Cancer Connection:
Clinical research was showing that the phenolic compounds released during the malaxation or crushing process were the real healing elements. Oleocanthal and oleacein being the two most widely studied. Anti-inflammatory and antioxidant respectively were showing major potential on chronic illnesses, including cardiovascular, neurodegenerative and autoimmune disease as well as many cancers.
As a couple of health buffs, armed with Athan’s childhood memories, we were keen to follow the trail on this and introduced the Aristoleo Awards in 2016 to showcase the growing number of producers willing to change methods to produce a more potent product for the growing health demand. We tracked and shared clinical trials on our Medium Ezine “Beyond Organic, Beyond Extra Virgin”. This oil is more than a condiment.
100 Bottles:
In the midst of this, a woman from Philadelphia ordered 100 bottles of a brand of High Phenolic EVOO from a Greek producer for her husband who was dealing with prostate cancer. It had been helpful in keeping his PSA count down. It had other beneficial effects and led to a group of men who all swore by the benefits of a daily dose in managing their traditional cancer treatments – whatever they were.
We were not about to stay as fascinated observers for long.
Athan
At first, Athan blamed it on the 47° heat of Cyprus, the stress of the EU program, too little sleep and too much coffee. He was having trouble urinating. One day he called me and told me the pain became so great he had to go to the hospital emergency unit and get a catheter. A catheter he would have for the next four five months while he travelled from country to country.
And then the diagnosis. Stage 4 metastasized prostate cancer. That was October 2018.
Oh boy. Athan was afraid to tell me because of my experience with George. I remember where we were standing when he told me. The sun was beaming through the windows that looked out over the sea. Unexpectedly, calm descended on me.
“So that’s what this is all about,” was my heart’s response. All of a sudden, the urge that had grown into a passion to promote this healing olive oil made sense. What might have been dread became a beam of light for opportunity.
My challenge from that moment was to hold onto that light in the ensuing years that would challenge our relationship, our business and our trust in this path.
Athan and I are completely different, me a wide eyed optimist and he a hard-nosed realist. The first night he looked deep into my eyes and told me I had to listen and really hear what he was about to say. “I will not be castrated. I will not die slowly with people watching over me. I will not be with you when I die. I want to be alone with my maker.”
Wow. And so began a whole new level of relating to one another and to this High Phenolic EVOO.
No one has survived this:
Perhaps because of my past experience combined with my trust that someone has to be the first, holding on to a possible miracle – a little one – I might have seemed uncompassionate. I get lulled by his bravery and forget Athan is a human being.
There were days when in the heat of a disagreement, Athan would remind me that he had cancer; that I had no idea what he was going through. That hammer of truth came down hard. It’s true. I don’t.
Oh, I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
Could High Phenolic EVOO be a Miracle?
Not by itself. No. Disease, especially cancer, as I noted above, is a confluence of factors, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, environmental. But there is something here that cannot be ignored.
I confess, I had trouble. I was afraid at the same time as hopeful. Athan is first and foremost an independent spirit. He turned and faced this dire diagnosis with a fearlessness that still astonishes me. Being Greek, he has a natural propensity to challenge the status quo. This was no different.
To date, Athan has consulted with more than 15 doctors and researchers in seven countries; Greece, Cyprus, Canada, Mexico, Jordan, Egypt and the United States. He has accepted the necessity for traditional treatments, but on his own terms. He rigorously watches his diet and uses various supplements – along with ultra-high phenolic olive oil, of course. He monitors his state in monthly bloodwork and timely analysis through CT and bone scans. He is willing to experiment and take risks on his own behalf.
At one point, just plain tired of dealing with cancer, Athan realized he would not continue the daily struggle and go on if it was just for him to gain more time. His quest became the quest on behalf of all the men he might affect. Men from all over the world email or call him to talk.
Talk about prostate cancer and its effect beyond the physical is one thing more men need to do more. Athan shares his journey and his many stories openly on social media. See Life of Athan
At our 2024 Annual Aristoleo Awards, Athan gave a rigorous dance performance to Ravel’s Bolero. He called it his proof of concept.
Quality of Life
Will Athan live forever? No. Neither will I. Neither will you. Neither will your man. As the sands run through our individual hour glass, none of us knows when we are done. What matters is the quality of this day. How we meet Life’s challenges for ourselves and for those we love.
Your man has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. In my experience, it is one of the most humbling challenges a man can face. No matter what life holds for us. It is ours to hold. Embrace your challenges and wrap them in love.
Love is not all softness and light. Love doesn’t make fear or sorrow disappear – we are, after all, human. But love charges us with compassion and endurance and fierceness and determination and acceptance.
Love allows us to be human beings. Up to the challenge of standing side by side. Listening, hearing, speaking and expressing our deepest connection to another soul.
I “lost” George in an avalanche of fear, that I was facing something I couldn’t fix. But love helps us endure the seeming unendurable. That never dies.
The Life message George’s death taught me is “Love is all there is.”
With Athan, I “let go” of the need to fix. To will the inevitable — whatever that might be — to not be. It is what it is. Athan showed me how to be brave; that to love, truly love, is to be present to and respect another’s life path.
The Life message that Athan’s life offers me? It’s in his theme song lyric.
“I just want to celebrate another day of life!”
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